I feel like my life has fallen into a bit of a rut again lately. But it’s strange…. it’s a different kind of rut than usual. Overall I feel like I’ve been doing fairly well. Sure, life has been busy, but that hasn’t been a cause of stress.
In regards to my work, I’ve been hard at it—striving to get everything in place so that I can comfortably begin my maternity leave when the time comes. I have felt purposeful and clear in my direction… feelings that I was not experiencing at this time last year. It has been a refreshing season in that regard.
And yet, when it comes to life at home, there has been this rut. It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m very happy. I’m excited for the coming changes in my life. And I’m not feeling overly anxious all of the time either. But something is just off. Something isn’t quite right. And though I can’t necessarily pinpoint what it is, I can identify the symptoms that have lead me to this conclusion:
- I haven’t been blogging. I know it’s okay not to blog. I know it’s okay to take breaks when I need them. But I also know that I am living in a season of life where I am barreling towards all of these massive changes, and that deep down, I have a lot of fears associated with that. I should be intentionally setting aside time to process these things, and I haven’t been doing that. I feel like maybe I’m avoiding it.
- I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix! I know that it’s okay to watch Netflix sometimes. I also know that binge-watching shows is the way media is typically consumed in our day and age. But that doesn’t sit well with me. I know from history and experience that the more media I consume (especially binge-style), the more empty and depressed I will eventually start to feel. It doesn’t fill me up or relax me. It just distracts me from what I care about and numbs the real feelings that I have going on under the surface. So this is a warning sign for me.
- Ryan and I have been bickering a lot lately. Don’t get me wrong—we’re totally in love and have a wonderful marriage. But lately the little things have just been getting to us more than usual. I feel like I’ve been less considerate of him and his needs, and more focused on myself.
- I haven’t talked to my psychologist in a month and a half. And to be fair, I haven’t necessarily felt like I have “needed” it in the same way that I have before. But again, I’ve got a lot going on in my life, and so much of it is completely new to me. If I want to look after myself and ensure that I remain healthy (especially going into the postpartum period), it would probably be wise for me to continue with regular counselling.
- My self-control is waning. I mean, it hasn’t gone completely out the window. But it is just not what it could be. It is not what it is when I am genuinely thriving in life. I’ll make a plan in my mind of something that I want to accomplish, but then I’ll just choose to be lazy instead. I’ll decide that I should take a break from sugar for a day or two to help myself recover from a cold, but then I’ll give up by lunch time and chow down on candy.
Again, I recognize that none of this is indicative of a total crisis, and I’m not communicating that I’m spiraling out of control or anything like that. In fact, that’s the point. I’m not spiraling out of control. I am comfortably going about my day to day life, and if I don’t think about it, I hardly even notice that things are a little off course.
But they ARE a little off course. And for me, I feel like it is important to recognize that early on, instead of once they’ve been off course for a year and suddenly I realize that I’ve come completely unglued. I want to go into this next phase of my life as ready, and as intentionally, as possible.
So here are a three steps that I am going to take this week in an effort to do some slight course correction:
- Make an appointment with my counsellor.
- Write a minimum of one more blog within the next 7 days.
- Take a week-long “fast” from Netflix and YouTube, starting today. This one may seem extreme, but I have been thinking and praying about it for a while. I have really felt that I should do it, but have been avoiding it. So I think it’s time to just jump the gun and make it happen.
I’m excited to see where this goes!
What are some of your warning signs that things in your life might be getting a little off track? What do you do to course correct?